007 - The Imprinter

Let’s make a map together
Find our way in the dark
With just the heat to guide us
Sounding out in the softest space
Spelunking for the deepest echoes

In that darkness we deliberately
turn on a series of lights
each orbital glow casting
exactly the right amount
of light and shadow
a sequence of reveals

Exquisitely tracing, feathertip light
Etching fine grooves, neuropathways of desire
Affixing tiny twists and kinks to specify -
Only I know this route
Only I can enter this code
To elicit this -
This singular blood rush
Unique response
Bringing all your awareness
Summoning all your awakeness
To this moment, this throb, this pulsing nerve

A puff of warm breath
On warm swollen skin
A tender scrape
The press of firm soft against smooth
And more than that
The shock of being exposed to a heart’s aperture
The full flood desire to be wholly known

That is the destination I know
Beyond that, to me  - undiscovered country
A precipice over which I’ve thrown myself in hope

Only to catch myself
with my lonely Mythos.

This is my collection, my personal review, my own little bardo recitation
I clutch it selfishly to my heart
to multiplex the depth, the breadth of the moments of my life
This playlist of lovers to comfort me when I feel most alone

I loved, I was loved, I was precious, she chants to herself
Invoking each sense memory until the body is vivified with feeling

I loved, I was loved, I was precious
What’s better than that
Or more than this?

To love, make love, to be precious
Even just my skin, or in my own mind
Allowing My Forensic Lens to
scrupulously document and tag the evidence
of the scene for future re-enactments

How many maps have I made over others?
And how many maps have been made upon me?
Imprints, blueprints, neural groovy paths to pleasure
Instruction manuals for abandoning the Self, escaping the Ego
And surrendering to the ephemeral, elusive, edification of Touch

The Lonely Domme Syndrome 006 - Your subconscious wants some attention

I know, I can feel it 
The cycle, the orbit 
Returns to me 
Your unsolved problem 

When you think of what intrigues you 
Do you see my face? 
When you think of the word Unique 
Am I there? 

I close the cursive capital D 
To show I can keep your secrets 
When you want to be surprised 
Understood and delighted 
When you want to be excited 
You reach into your subconscious 
Where you always know where to find me 
That secret space you protect and hide 
From Jealous Lovers 

As a symbol or your Anima 
I am confident to claim an enduring bookmark 
In your thoughts 
The place you return, the number you call 
For word or tone or caress or silence 
Intimacy that needs no touch to validate existence 
I inhabit this frequency 
And you find yourself tuning in 
Out of curiosity or habit 
But there is always something there 
That comforts you, that flatters you 
That gives you a reflection of the One you want to be 
Sometimes you fail to find it elsewhere 

I know there are flavors of intimacy 
A spectrum of desire multiplied by our many selves 
A need for a specific vibration or chemistry 

What do you want from me? 
The co-created quiet space of confidence and contentment 
A perpetual portable pillow talk time 
Of lowered defenses and gentle tones 

The VIP room for two 
For cuddle and for huddle 
For safety and sanctuary 

The space of that magnetic attraction 
That feels like something close to home 
Or at least a place to drop anchor 
The port in the storm 

This space needs the most nurturing 
It is the place to run to 
For acceptance and compassion, comfort and protection 

When I think of intimacy 
I think of sanctuary 
As in a monastery or an abbey 
Where silence and fragility is respected 
Treated with forgiveness, humor and gentle hands 
A place to recover and rediscover strength 

Objectivity + Compassion + Intelligence + Humor 
Equals more choices for anyone involved 
As an informed listener with new and improved sensory acuity 
I know things 
For example 
Your subconscious wants some attention 
And knows I speak the language. 

005 - Needle Phobic

Needle Phobic 

 06.01.04 


To be in love is a choice
Desire: a Meme, a Virus?
I hate needles the same as anyone else
And I never did no smack

But when I think of falling, of being “in love”
I feel like I must close my eyes and grit my teeth
Offering my juiciest, plumpest vein
To the sharp prick of your Love Injection

Bearing the puncture of my delicate membranes
In greedy anticipation of that distinct rush of sweetness
Knock me out with your kiss like that
Melt me away, send the sweet sting through my veins

Straight through my breastbone if you want
Your love spreads and seeps deep
Into every healing wound and fissure
Of my systematically – Intentionally - Necessarily
Cryogenically frozen heart organ
Smoothing my raw and broken edges with care

My parallel processors have been working overtime
It’s the Discernment department
Which is a bit understaffed
This due diligence is thorough
Sensing you, identifying this heady rush you provoke
Testing authenticity, purity
I’m young a little still
But not naïve, not given over to infatuation

Maybe you want to know the difference
Between you and any other love I’ve had
I told you already what I know
We adapt together, to one another
There is always rocky footing
Mutual trepidation as we carefully expose and explore
Even down to the gutters of the wastelands of heart
Assessing the damage with objectivity and positivity
Can’t help but think like an insurance adjuster:
“How much will it cost/take to repair the damage?”
Both of us walking wounded, but functioning somehow
My pain is deep and yours is too
But we are mobilizing each other to heal and grow
Beneath your gaze and within your embrace
I cry but I can smile
“It’s not so bad.”

I stumble and you pick me up
You falter and I am there
We dust off and apologize
Hold hands and hearts for a moment
Then keep walking
To a destination which is not ahead of us
But right here between us

An organic, dynamic place we both envision
And that shared image is in our hearts
With careful intention and sometimes difficulty
We map it out, an invisible blueprint
Drafted by our dreams and desires
Structured by care and intentional action
Decorated with kink and sweet
We troubleshoot and fortify weaknesses
Patiently working alongside one another
Each kiss is a motivation

@ Times I am stunned by the rightness and resonance
The sudden manifestation
All my words, incantations, whispered wishes and desperate cries
Animated to flesh and Spirit:
You. 

You activate the buoyancy in my Love Paradigm.
You are my Chosen People.


004 - Target Frequency: A Love Incantation

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Target Frequency

I must watch what I say to myself 

I must guard against my own defenses 

I forget the power of my wishes 

I forget the power of my beliefs 

Here in my hands, my fingers 

I write to express my love and longing 

Longing for a taste of life and synergy 

To be something more than a projection brought to life 

Even now I can feel the difference 

ISO submissives and lovers and Animus 

ISO comfort, intimacy, tenderness, peace 

Someone to reflect back to me all the power I have inside 

To nurture and coax, empower and inspire 

All these words, all these years 

The loves evolved and lost 

And yet there is no one by my side 

No embrace but my own 

I am at cause I know 

Deep down there has always been the thought 

That no one would want me, that I was too difficult 

Or rather, complex 

This seed implanted, watered and reinforced 

Whenever the signs of Over appeared 

How I long to be seen, for symbiosis 

To give and gain in equal part 

How many times have I let loose my floodgates 

To find myself dry and empty handed 

I chronicle my efforts at remaining hopeful 

Every time I feel it might be right 

I risk my security and my selfishness 

With timid hopefulness 

I might burn so brightly 

Maybe I am invisible 

Though I wear my heart out for all to see 

Why, when asked in therapy, 

“What do you need? What can I do for you right now?” 

Am I struck dumb with tears? 

How can I say it any more clearly: 

I need love, I need care, I need kindness 

I arrive at every opportunity with a surplus of value 

To barter or exchange for a moment of rest 

I can top or bottom, domme or sub 

I am fluid and conscious and infinitely true of heart 

So I say again for the Universe to hear 

This heroine needs a hero 

A match for my strength and imagination 

A match for my intellect and character 

A match for my expression and generosity 

Molded, refined and steeled by life 

Who seeks Anima as I seek Animus 

A soul whose beauty permeates his whole being 

Who protects me as I protect him 

Who gives thanks for me, as I do for him 

Let him inspire me to believe that I am not lost 

Let him be so tender he would not abandon my aching heart 

Let our strength be equal to our vulnerability to one another 

Let our desire be born of true intimacy 

Let our compassion birth our passion 

He will know me and not find me damaged 

But rather admire my skill for adaptability and survival 

He will see not only a projection 

But the fullness of my character 

Let us both put our Selves aside 

In a commitment to the creation of Us 

This is my will and my wish 

That he should manifest or at least hearken to my call 

Along the grid, the ether, the dreamspace 

A composite of every successful trait I’ve ever known 

That he should be moving ever closer to my general direction 

And find me at the moment of readiness. 

Words: go forth and do my bidding 

For I ask only what I deserve 

I only wish to fulfill what I am made for 

I am too much built for Love to be alone. 

The Lonely Domme Syndrome 003 - The Hunt for Piggy

 When I first began hunting for submissives on Craigslist and other sites, I vetted my “postulants” with a screening process that included a long questionnaire, scanned photocopy of their driver’s license, photos, etc.  My files were meticulously kept, both in hardcopy and digitally.  At the time I was working in the recruitment business, and adapted many of the processes in Applicant Tracking softwares to my own recruitment. A tabbed Excel spreadsheet served as my primitive database - one tab for each postulant, recording their personal information, notes, assignments, meetings and evaluations.  I dreamt of finding a perfect programmer slave to code me my perfect software - database, scheduling, rating … . but for my slaves.   

Piggy was one from the first Hunt. I allowed him to choose his sub name. 

His choices were: 

George ( from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf ) or Piggy ( from Lord of the Flies ). 

An experienced submissive and long time player, Piggy was well trained by previous owners, who included some of the foremost Mistresses of the Bay Area - namely, Kira Veritas, Josephine and Morgana. I was worried about my beginner’s status with Piggy, because he’d played with those scene heavyweights above pretty intensely. 

But I think he enjoyed breaking in a virgin domme, high on her newfound power. He brought many tributes in lieu of service. We’d go for manicures and pedicures together. I fettered him with his own shackles. 

He liked homework so I had him wear little rubber bands on his wrists. And for 3 days I told him, he was to wear lingerie beneath his clothes, and whenever he got too excited from the feeling of the fabric on his skin, or whenever he thought of me, he was to snap the rubber bands on his wrists. Both wrists. 

When I saw him 3 days later, I asked to see his wrists. My poor Piggy, so obedient - his wrists were welted and bruised. 

He smiled shyly at me, I smiled back at him, pleased. Piggy was always very sincere. 

He was an actor amongst other things, and when we began seeing each other, I would write scenes for him to enact for my amusement. He would arrive at my doorstep, my dry cleaning or gifts in hand, and I would simply hand him an index card without a word, and the game would be ON.

For example, one index card read: 

”@ the salon today, whenever I tug on my ear, I want you to oink. You may attempt to disguise the oink if you wish as a sneeze or cough. But I must hear the oink of it.” 

And the Asian ladies at the nail salon would be startled by his oinks. He turns very red, Piggy. 

Another index card: 

“We are going into a shop which carries dildoes. I wish for you to go directly to the dildo wall/counter and peruse them. Then I wish for you to select the largest one and ask the clerk if that is the biggest one that they carry. If it isn’t, ask to see the biggest. If it is, or when they give you the biggest one, I want you to: 

a) hold it in your hands reverently, cupping the balls and caressing the head, noting the shape of the tip. 

b) I want you to smell it. Sniff the tip, the length and the balls. 

c) when you are finished sniffing the balls, I would like you to teabag yourself with it, then slap it against your face a few times.

When done, look vaguely dissatisfied and then put it down. Then ask the clerk if it comes in black. If it does, repeat the inspection procedure, and then shake your head and say thank you, it’s not what you’re looking for. If it doesn’t come in black, simply sigh deeply and say “Oh well. The search continues.” 

He’d experienced 2 deaths among family and friends while we were involved. For awhile I felt like our play was therapeutic, an escape from his grief.  When it seemed his attention wasn’t fully on our games, I told Piggy, I don’t think I have a place in your life right now - your grieving period is more important than what we do. So Piggy was put on pause, a brief hiatus. He promised to return, but I didn’t think he would.

He did attempt a brief return which resulted in an internal injury, due to his own carelessness. We were scheduled to meet at Ozumo for happy hour and dinner.  We both worked in downtown San Francisco, so we were to meet there after work.  

My instructions to Piggy:  1) Wear stockings, garters, bra and panties underneath your suit today and 2) Insert the Severin (a type of butt plug).

Piggy was late to Ozumo, a Japanese restaurant and sake bar in downtown San Francisco.  He arrived breathless and flushed, which looked a bit awful on his already naturally mottled ginger coloring.  He smiled shyly, his wide mouth stretching to reveal what always looked like far too many teeth. His bug eyes raked over me greedily, his welted wrists covered in rubber bands peeking out from underneath the cufflinks of his expensive shirtsleeves.  

I contemplated his punishment with a small smile as we ordered drinks. I had to hold back a smile, trying to hold on to the feeling of annoyance to help fuel the scene.  With my eyes narrowed at him I pinned his pupils with my own, waiting for the flush to redden him as usual. But Piggy wasn’t squirming in delight, like he normally did under my scrutiny.  Instead he looked pained and sweating, and not at all focused on our usual “fun.”  I decided to move things along.

“Go to the ladies restroom and lock yourself in the handicapped stall.  Strip down to your lingerie and hold on to the bar, bent over, until I come in to check on how well you followed my instructions.”

Piggy nodded, smiled wanly, and obediently wandered off to the bathrooms.  I wait. 3 minutes, I finish my drink, 5 mins later, finish his.  Finally, leaving him almost 10 minutes in the bathroom stall to sweat it out, I get up and stride in.  I knock on the handicapped door, and Piggy opens it.

He holds on to the rail, standing in full stockings, garters, panty and bra. his clothes neatly folded and hooked on the rail.  His lingerie was more expensive than my own (something we rectified later) - and against his pasty, hairless white skin, the sheer nylon of his stockings and the lace-trimmed silk of his girly underthings didn’t seem so weird or obscene.  He was sweating profusely, and from the looks of his panties, not as excited as he normally was under these humiliating circumstances.

I let the tension build, raking my fingernails along his exposed midriff, skimming my fingertips over the backs of his thighs, the backs of his knees.  Breathing softly against the back of his shoulder, watching his knuckles whiten as he grasped the rail.  We were both silent, listening to the other women come in and out of the bathroom, peeing, washing their hands, chatting, their heels clicking on the tiled bathroom floor.

“Pull down your panties and show me.”

Piggy presses his forehead against the wall of the stall, and hooks the fingers of both hands into the waistband of his panties, and slowly, slowly starts to bring them down.

In an homage to my favorite film, Tokyo Decadence, I stop him.

“You’re going too fast.  Sway your hips while you do it.  Go slow.  And tell me you’re a horny businesswoman.”

Piggy pulls up his panties again, and swallows.  He starts to sway his hips slowly from side to side, slowly easing down the silk fabric to reveal his lily-white rump meat.

In a thin, barely audible girlish voice he whispers “I .. I am a horny businesswoman.”

“Again!”  ”I . . am a horny businesswoman… I am … a horny businesswoman.”

Satisfied, I continue.  ”Show me.”

When he has pulled his panties all the way down, he grasps the handrail of the stall with both hands to present me with his ass, in the center of which a round red circle, which is the base of his buttplug. I tap it with my fingers.  Piggy gasps and whimpers in pain, but it doesn’t sound right.

“Piggy,” I say, breaking the scene, “Piggy, what’s wrong?”

He tries to shake his head, but I grasp him by the chin and make him turn his face to mine.  He won’t meet my eyes.

“Speak!” I hiss at him, with more force, my gloved hand holding the back of his neck.

“Mistress, I’m sorry. . “

“For what?  What did you do?”

“I was in a rush …after work … I didn’t want to be late . .  I know how you hate tardiness . . I left as soon as I could, we had a meeting that ran long . . “

“Piggy! WHAT IS WRONG?”

“I forgot the lube, Mistress.”

“The what? What do you mean?”

“The lube.  I forgot it. . and in my rush, I just ran to the bathroom at the office before I left and … just … jammed it in.”

“What? Oh my god, Piggy, are you okay?”

“I think … I might have torn . . something … “

“Jesus, Piggy, why didn’t you tell me?  Stand up . . do you want me to help you pull it out?”

“No, Mistress… I didn’t want you to be angry with me … I don’t want to pull it out . . not here.”

“Okay - I want you to grab a cab and go directly home.  Be very careful as you take it out, lube yourself before you do, okay?  Then let me know … the extent of the damage, alright?”

“Yes, Mistress, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… “

“Enough. Get dressed.  Meet me outside.  We’ll finish up and get you a cab.”

I walked out, tossed back both our drinks.  He came out 5 minutes later, fully dressed, face washed and looking slightly more relaxed.  He takes out a few twenties and tosses them on the table for the bill.  We go outside and hail him a cab.  He turns to me, his face contrite.

“I’m so sorry… Mistress… I was careless.  Thank You for your understanding.”  He smiled and I stepped forward to cup his face in my hand.  We smile at each other.

I never saw Piggy in the flesh again.

Piggy fully depilated for me, and I think he enjoyed it. Silk stockings feel better on hairless skin. And when he was on all fours, shackled with feet wiggling to absorb the pain of my cane on his feet, thighs and ass, I observed the smooth paleness of his thighs exposed between the top of his stocking, his garter and his panties. 

Everyone has sensuality in them, but not everyone can express it fully, made up in makeup purchased from Sephora, transformed by my animus, we commingled in the projection of his anima upon me. I learned a lot from Piggy, and am forever grateful for the power he gave me.

  • Love Song from the Dopamine Junkie

Love Song from the Dopamine Junkie
by Dopamine Junkie

If you’re too lazy to read through all of Dopamine Junkie’s Robot Geisha, here is the accompanying audiofile - mp3. Take it with you and listen when you’re alone.

The Lonely Domme Syndrome 002 - Dopamine Fueled Robot Geisha

Dopamine Fueled
Robot Geisha Module+ 
Self Destructs 
in Hamster Wheel Accident 

———————————————————

Dont ask me what you mean to me 
and expect me to answer succinctly 

Every action and decision I make 
to reach out to you or show you that I see you 
should tell you 

every move and word and sound I make 
should tell you 
if you are paying attention 

this is not random 
it is not ephemeral if you pay attention to being aware of it 

every little gift i have of provoking pleasure 
and unlocking gates to empowerment 
and providing compassion beyond 

what is it i guess 
i am so aware of you 
i watch for your unguarded moments for a reason 
i don’t mean to say that everything I do is 
“calculated” 

but I do move with intention 
stealth intention is based on awareness 
meaning watching 
and sitting still 
and watching the movements and patterns 
and stimulus and response between organisms 
and being genuinely curious about their intentions 

or perhaps I just want to know 
“Hey, are you watching this?” 
“Can you see me too?” 


I am able to open several deep connections 
to maintain these parallel processes 
without compromising integrity 
or at least so I think

It’s like describing some magic power that no one 
believes that you have 
unless you show them 
well, so i demonstrate 

be alone with me 
choose a setting 
this is what i can do 

but does it mean anything for me? 
is it good? am I good? 

I can make you feel good. 

Infinite intuitive points of contact 
I can reach you on many levels 
and I am built with all the right tools 
to provoke and invoke you 
to make you realize you CAN focus 
and the great things you can do, if you DO 

is it wrong for me to feel dangerous 
because I can’t help the reactions I can inspire? 

Maybe I am caught up 
because I want to know 

I am infinitely curious 
and aware and dynamically responsive 
to what you might want and need 

I know how to make you feel good. 
How do I know this? 
I am not sure. 

But come and be alone with me 
and I will respond to you 
pushing the energy back between us 
reshaping the ch’i and the pain 

come and choose with me I say 
watch what we two can do together 
with focus 
between our hands and bodies and eyes

are you aware of the alchemy? 
How we can choose to do this with each other? 

I am always seeking other sentient beings

Aware, responsive intention of movements and actions 

that is power, that is life 

To take these things we can do 
The expanse of consciousness 
Indra’s Web multifaceted jewels blinking 

Synapses firing 
something connecting and responding 
Dopamine rush
I just want 0% packet loss when I ping you baby 

What do I have to do to make you aware of me? 
When every choice I make to keep pinging your port 
I kept this connection open 
Despite your latent redundancy 

I understand being stuck in a loop 
Running fast and burning up with no purpose 
A samsara needing a gearshift 

So I am patient you think 
I’m impatient too 
Responding to all things I see about you 

Repeatedly 
trying to foster hope or inspire you to change or wake 
up or live or whatever 

is it passion? is it love? 

Focus group research reports: 

My skin seems to be of a surprisingly unique soft texture. 
My physical matter is pleasingly shaped and satisfying to the touch 
I guess I’m warm. 

One says he wants to memorize my pussy 
Sometimes its the world and the meaning of existence 
Sometimes its the temple of my ass 

it’s funny, i can’t help but be bemused(?) 
so this must be why I crave the sexual validation 

when so much attention is focused on 
getting inside my pussy or inside me or whatever 
of course I want to hear, I want to know 
what you think is inside there 
that you want to touch or possess 

I don’t know what it is 
I guess 
but I’ll fuck you to try to understand it? 
Since you can’t seem to express it any other way I mean. 

[ Since I am conditioned to this response, I become disoriented when it is not selected as it is my most popular, highly customizable and dynamic setting ] 

Is my value to you something I’m not aware of? 
I have problems gauging my value. 

Sometimes my actions are those of a bargain 
I am too smart to be cheated anymore 
I want you to ante up 
I don’t even need to prove what I am worth 

But however I make you feel 
I do intentionally 

And the level of pleasure you are currently 
experiencing 
and on how many levels 
directly correlates 
to what you mean to me. 

Does that mean I know what I want 
Does that mean I commodify myself? 
Is it odd to be aware, I guess 
that I can focus my gaze 
or ch’i or energy or effect or whatever 

Is it odd to want to do it often? 
Is it a power trip to give you pleasure 
Is it because I do this in spite of my own pleasure 
which I negate and disable [?} 

Does that make me more focused on you? 
Does that make it feel better? 
Do you like me more now? 

Will you remember and never forget me and pet me and 
spoon me 
It’s not that I want a joust or swordfight, ^ 
but yeah I know how good I make you feel 
and you feel good because I fucking pay attention 
to what provokes you and heals you 

Am I well defended? Not so much. 
It just takes the right keys to tumble my locks 
and a still mind to answer my riddles 
or a big appetite to eat my giant breadcrumbs 

I show you what you are worth to me by the way I treat you 
And how good you feel is not an accident 
when I’m around 

If I asked what am I worth to you 
What would you say? 

Don’t say, just show me, choose me, see me 
So I can stop this silly show 
and take a nap in your arms 
and not feel taken for granted 

Because of such reactions on the part of the Other 
to my dance of seven veils 
I am a popular stimulant 
producing disorienting but pleasant, profound feelings 
of awareness 

I am skin and hair and lips and voice and soft and round 
I factor in all your data 
You are surprised by your reaction? 

I can’t do math with numbers 
But I do know a judicious cut 
I can calculate and I’m powered 
by a super micro nano parallel processor 
crunching your data, your reactions 
synthesizing, anticipating 
Trying to resolve you 

Stimulating to the surface 
What I see in you 

I have no power beyond just watching you 
when I tell you what I see you are flattered 

when your perceived insecurities and faults 
are revealed 

I do not diminish the integrity of our connection 
I simply find a way to adapt, I try, it’s hard 
But I squirm and burrow and adjust to your fit 
and I am there, fitting over your manhood 
like a snug glove that makes you feel like you can 
drive anything. 

Do you want me to make you feel good? 
To use me as to quickly satisfy crude male lust 
the boors and the boys 
I endured, the misuse, the disuse 
I’m just saying, if you try to figure me out 
I swear you’ll be delighted with every solution to my riddles 
But oh well. 

Maybe even after all the Quality Focus of My Desire on You, you still don’t think I’m 
worth the Full Subscription Price. 
Is it any wonder I feel devalued and unworthy and merely
a conduit that is created to facilitate intimacy but I can never have Love of my own? 

I am only ostensibly complex 
to those who are too lazy to learn the controls 
I printed the manuals, goddam it 
You still want the one-sheet 

Sure it’s not a game 
but it takes some strategy to get through to you 
To catch your eyes with a focused gaze 

it is a talent to reflect another 
but sentience matures to see even beyond 

So to show you compassion I bear the hurt 
to provoke connection I invoke your desires. 
I give pleasure I don’t receive 

I stick around. 

Think why I might have done that 
Don’t ask me what you mean to me. 

- (c) 2004-2010 dopaminejunkie

Lonely Domme Syndrome 001 - The Red Rooster

I’m invited to Las Vegas quite a bit, but unless I *have to* go there, I usually decline. When friends ask me for recommendations for their Vegas trips, I offer only this:  If you are ever invited to a place called the Red Rooster, and are told it is an “exclusive” club, a) don’t believe them, and b) just don’t go.  Unless you want a David Lynchian and potentially Ballardian or Cronenbergian evening.

Normally I hate to go to Vegas.  We’d go all the time as kids, and were always stuck at Circus Circus, which I found very overwhelming and germy. I’m not a gambler, and I don’t need a “Las Vegas” excuse to go on a bender, so I’ve never been pulled to it. The desert heat can be extreme, and I hate how smoky it is indoors.  But sometimes, I would meet up with J and C, just as a weekend getaway.

J, ex-boyfriend, met in college, moved in together after college, spectacularly cruel and traumatic relationship decline, heartbreak warfare and breakup, eventually wonderful “through the fire/we evolved/remember when we tried to kill each other” special sort of friend.

C, friend, ex-lover, met in college.  Wunderkind programmer who retired early (as in before 35) from the proceeds of his internet success and moved to Las Vegas.  Had a special room just for Buddhist meditation, another room for home servers and computing, another room for Volcano Vaporiser, homemade sniper ghillie suits, empty bullet casings, gunpowder, semi-automatic weapons, Glocks, Sig Sauers, sniper rifles, NBC (nuclear biochem) suits, etc.

We all met in university. I was their Resident Advisor when I managed a campus apartment complex.  When we visit C in his desert bunker (as much of a bunker as it could be in a tract housing division), we pretty much stay away from the Strip, just hanging out at his house and watching Firefly and CSI and going out into the desert and shooting guns, etc. Even when we go to casino’s or restaurant’s it’s at places off-Strip like The Rampart, which you only really go to as a local or perhaps a fan of CSI: Las Vegas. We’re a fun little party crew capable of throwing down balls to the wall, HST style, but also capable of chillin’ like villains in the air-conditioned suburbs, watching DVDs or TIVO, shooting craps or playing blackjack at his home casino tables, and only surfacing to shoot guns and run to Taco Bell.

On one visit, C had some biz friends come into town, in particular, a middle-aged, open marriage Midwestern businessman type, named D.  D has a reputation for being a horndog, and was known to his crew by the French nicknamed “Le Menace.” No, Le Menace is not French, he’s a midwestern Sales guy, and he, C and two other friends all worked together at one time. So there are two trios - Team A: me, C and J, and Team B: Le Menace and two other friends, L and J, who are picking him up at the airport that evening.

It’s a Saturday night, and we are stuffed to the gills from casino buffets and pretty loaded. C and J want to go to a strip club, and I’m game to drink and hang and participate in co-opting the voyeuristic male gaze, but a call from Team B comes in, an overly enthusiastic Le Menace has arrived and demands to fuse crews. Le Menace has one agenda - to get laid, and his urgency takes precedence over the group’s collective ambivalence - most of us so jaded or uninterested in the typical “Vegas blowout.”  The MBA-powered strategic hive mind of 5 men and myself toss back pre-party liquor and quickly formulate the most “sure-fire, 100% ROI” path to fulfilling Le Menace’s goal, which could also possibly apply to the rest of Team B: 

a. Go to some dance clubs, try to score with some “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” good time girls

b. Hire a sex worker for the evening or session

c. Go to a strip club, try to get some numbers and score with an after-hours stripper

All these were dismissed as costly - both in time and resources, especially for those of us not “invested” in the outcome.

But Le Menace had a plan, one that he found to be the most cost-effective.

Le Menace had been chatting up his seatmate on his flight, and while she was not interested in Mile Highing it with him or hooking up in Vegas, she did mention to him that there was “an exclusive sex club” that he could visit - and that for $50, you could BYOB to this private club where there was a indoor pool, dance floor, rooms and everyone there was ready to “get down.”

Cost-effective. Exclusive. BYOB. Sexy vibe.  Le Menace was sold, and we were intrigued enough to “go along for the ride.”

Being the sole female, I put on my battle gear - I wasn’t about to show up to this place except as a Dominant Top.  That way even the sleaziest of slimeballs would think twice to step to me.  Black pencil skirt, Black and Red steel-boned corset, opera length black leather gloves, leather paddle and a long black silk scarfin my purse, stiletto boots.  I was no stranger to sex clubs.  The minute you walk through the door, and all eyes turn to you, your image in that moment determines you either as predator or prey.  

We’re given coordinates to meet Team B in Henderson. Out in the burbs.

“Where is this place?” 

“Uh, I don’t know . . yet.” answers Le Menace, “we have to go buy tickets and we’ll get the location there.”

“Like a rave?”

“Right.”

“Where do we buy the tickets?”

“Just meet us there.”

The GPS takes us there. Or rather C does, in his Porsche.  We pull up at the spot.

It’s a storage unit facility called “The Red Rooster.”

Le Menace is there, ready to rock.  The rest of Team B doesn’t seem as excited as he is.

“It’s $50 for single guys, $30 for couples.”

They all look at me.  ”Cost-effectiveness” is on everyone’s mind.  In the end, I think I just grab one of them myself and march in to the storage unit office.

Two super normal people greet us.  Dressed as I am, there’s no doubt that I’m not here to rent a storage unit.  

30 bucks later, we walk out. The rest follow suit, and we reconvene in the parking lot, address in hand.

“We need to make a stop at Walgreens or a drugstore or something.” says Le Menace.

So we drive around this desolate area, trying to find one.  When we do, I buy mints and sit in the car, smoking.

Le Menace comes out with Team B.  They’ve bought liquor and 2 boxes of condoms.  I didn’t bother to see what kind.

“It’s BYOB!” Le Menace exclaims.  He opens up the boxes of condoms and hands them out to everyone, including me.

“Just in case.”  He takes the lion’s share. “Should probably double-bag it,” he says.

Team B tries to rally some enthusiasm with some half-hearted hi-fives.  Le Menace proclaims: “Saddle up dudes, let’s get laid.” Whatever.

J and C are totally out of this game, both of them being in relationship lock-down. They laugh along, as per the unspoken “bro” script.  I roll my eyes.

We get back into the two cars and roll up to this place, parking in a gravelly parking lot at the end of a cul-de-sac.  The area is industrial, no other houses around, but there is a big run down looking house, which stands alone.  It almost looks like it could be a small church.  There is a forklift in the parking lot, and red Christmas lights strewn everywhere.  The wooden door in the front is completely non-descript - and unlocked.

We walk straight INTO A DAVID LYNCH MOVIE - 

- rust/brown/orange shag carpet circa 70s, wood panelling, the works

- lots of red Christmas lights, and metallic door fringe streamers

While the boys tried to figure out what to do with themselves, I walked the perimeter, scoping out the joint, through all the rooms. I could hear the whoosh as the 90% male audience tracked me through the crowd, taking in the amenities:

- a staircase for upstairs where only couples are allowed - where the rooms have NO DOORS - I don’t venture further than the hallway, not wanting to see what “bumping uglies” looks like in this place

- a small dance floor and tables, etc with a stage and some loser singing terrible cheesy covers

- a room with a pool table

- a small bar where you can stash your booze and they give you cups and mixers and ice

- then a BACK ROOM, like an enclosed patio - with the grossest looking hottub/pool with fake grotto waterfall

- The talent = Mostly 40s-60s porn store loitering, furtive glancing, misshapen type men - NO ONE IS ATTRACTIVE, not even in an ugly-sexy way.

- The women I guess are all part of a couple, or older ladies that were dressed “kinky” - meaning lots of leopard print. 

- No one there was younger than 40, I’d hazard - perhaps retired prostitutes?

(My hypothesis is that if you are willing to have sex with strangers you don’t really like in Las Vegas, and you’re young and hot, you’re probably not going to give it away for free at a sex club - you’ll either make $ off of it or find an attractive one night stand of mutual caliber)

After my recon, I head to the back patio, where J and C are both quietly choking on their vomit, drinking out styrofoam cups.

I know I am being tracked through the crowd, I know there is a trail converging behind me.

The back patio is a sad simulacrum of a sexy Playboy Mansion-style “Grotto” - in the light of day it must be a horror - an enclosed porch area adjacent to the house, a small indoor pool with a plaster “Grotto” complete with waterfall.

Lining the walls, either standing or sitting, are single men, lonely and quiet.  I am the only woman in that room, but sitting in full domme gear with 2 young attractive men with me, I don’t look very approachable.

I watch as some of these lonely creatures peel off their khakis and t-shirts, exposing pale bodies, skin bloated, loose, flaccid, hirsute flesh glistening in the hopefully hyperchlorinated water.  A few of the actual “couples” meander out, undress and get into the pool, floating and bobbing around each other. All the eyes in the room lock on them, almost willing them into action.  A few slimy kisses and some underwater groping no one can see. 

I am approached - a few times, in succession.  I receive the attention with a sort of compassion and try not to bust balls too hard - it’s probably taken these guys a lot of courage to even step to me.  I smile enigmatically and gesture to J and C who say nothing.  After awhile, and probably after watching every one else get shot down, no one approaches me.

On the dance floor in the other room, through the sliding glass door, the cover band starts up.  ”Play that funky music, white boy” doesn’t require musical genius or prodigious vocal ability to cover, and soon there are many people on the parquet floored dance area.  

Some 60 yo grandma type, totally wasted, comes into the patio, strips down to large white granny panties, jumps in pool, then comes out wet and starts dancing by herself in the middle of the terrible dance floor, her arms raised in the air, pendulous breasts swaying to the beat. “Play that funky music!” she sings along in her joyous abandon. Funky indeed.  I kept wishing for a backwards-talking midget to cross the floor to complete the surreality. No dice.

I’d had enough. “Let’s go to Crazy Horse.”  J and C agree.

Team A, reconvene at Egress point. We try to find Team B to see if they want to roll with. 

“You really think you’re going to score … here?” I ask.

Le Menace is liquored up, horny, and determined to achieve maximum ROI.  His teammates look fairly traumatized.  But they drove him, and he wants to stay.

Team A drives to Crazy Horse, where I cheerfully approach the only Asian Schoolgirl stripper and ask her if she’ll “lap dance my two exes.”  She laughs. “Nice tits.” I say to her. “Yours too” she says and walks over with me to where the boys were seated. I have another drink and raise my Stoli Raspberry and 7-up in silent salute to C, whose face is buried in the dancer’s ass cleavage.

The next day, we don’t hear much from Team B.  Either they’ve partied too hard or they’ve done unspeakable things they don’t wish to recall.  Uncharacteristically, Le Menace is not forthcoming with details about his evening.  But apparently, somehow, he saw his mission through to the end.  

That’s what made him superlatively successful in Sales I guess.  Follow-through.

I suppose it could have been worse - like some cliched movie where maybe I could have married one or both of my friends in a drunken stupor.  But we’re not bloody amateurs, right?  At least our Vegas adventure was a unique experience.  I’ve always wondered if the woman who recommended the Red Rooster to Le Menace was intentionally trying to traumatize him.  I’m inclined to think so.  

If you can’t stand the curiosity, or if you wonder if this place exists - here’s the link: http://www.vegasredrooster.com/index.html.

Looks like there’s a “down home buffet” that’s served there now.  Not sure if I’d have an appetite …